


Am I Still Not Good Enough?

by Not_Monday



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, Insecure Liam, girl!Liam - Freeform, vulnerable liam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 05:47:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1255177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_Monday/pseuds/Not_Monday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam is tired of being "One of the boys" something happens and she starts to wonder if she's ever enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [carissima](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carissima/gifts).



Liam had always loved being in the band with the boys, she loved that they could treat her like one of the guys. Sometimes, though, sometimes she wishes they would realize she isn’t actually _one of the guys._

In the beginning, the boys never really mentioned her appearance when they went to premieres or awards shows. She imagined it was because they were still too caught up in the idea of actually going to _premieres and awards shows._ As they got older and the shine of these events wore off the comments began. The surprised looks they’d shoot her when she wore fancy dresses and had her hair done up were flattering at first but, now they grew tiresome. Instead of brushed off comments about how nice she looked, she got “Wow, look whose got boobs!” and “Who is this girl and where has Liam gone?” and sometimes “I wish you were a boy, it wouldn’t take you so long to get ready”.

Normally, she would take these comments with a grain of salt but after a recent break-up she began to wonder if maybe that was the reason he had left her, she had been too ‘mannish’. So the next time Louis sent out a group text demanding a bro night, she kindly declined claiming to have other plans. These plans turned out to be a hastily organized night in with Perrie. Perrie was one of the only girlfriends Liam had, and she really hadn’t spent much time with her recently she reasoned with herself. 

As time wore on Liam found herself turning down more and more bro nights and hangouts in an effort to boost her feminity and stop being seen as one of the guys. At first the boys didn’t notice Liam withdrawing from them; it didn’t truly become apparent to them until their next tour.

When the planning stages of the next tour started Liam had surreptitiously pulled Caroline aside to talk to her about her tour outfits and making a change from the jeans and t-shirts she usually wore, much like the boys. After spending some time talking to Perrie about what worked best on stage for her a Little Mix she and Caroline had come up with some viable options, working more crop tops flowy shirts into her wardrobe as well as a few skirts and dresses.  She would still wear boots and sneakers on stage though as her balance in heels was akin to, well, Harry’s balance on a flat surface. It was at their first dress rehearsal that Liam’s self-esteem hit rock bottom.

Caroline, worrier that she is, had included several t-shirts and jeans into Liam’s wardrobe in case she wanted to build up to her change in costume. While Liam appreciated the gesture she was ready for the boys to realize that she isn’t just one of the boys, so she decided to dive right in. Dressed in a black crop top, leather pants, and a black chiffon poncho (a la Demi Lovato stay performance), she went to meet the boys backstage. Liam felt very confident that she had chosen a look that still portrayed her as the Liam they all knew but with a girlier twist. Caroline had wholeheartedly approved of her outfit and she was brimming with nervous excitement at the boys’ reactions.

As she entered their quick change room she noticed most of the boys had kept to suit like outfits and jeans, with Niall being the only one wearing a t-shirt. “Hey guys” She called as she entered the room. They turned to look at her, each face wearing a different expression of shock.

“Liam? You look great” Louis complimented, throwing in a wolf-whistle, “Wow” came from  Niall’s corner of the room, and an exasperated “Caroline wouldn’t let ME wear leather pants” came from  Zayn. Liam nervously looked to Harry who had a very confused look on his face.  “What are you wearing?” he finally whispered. Liam shifted nervously smoothing out her top, “I helped Caroline pick it out, do you like it?” she whispered. “Maybe you should just let Caroline work on her own.” He replied before looking at his phone. “Oh” she whispered face falling, “You know I think you’re right, I’m just gonna go change” she muttered before fleeing the room. “Why the hell did you say that?!?” She heard Louis shout just as the door closed behind her.

Liam kept her head down as she made her way back to the dressing room, moving quickly past personnel she didn’t even notice as she passed Caroline. “Liam? What’s wrong darling? Where’re you going?” She followed her into the dressing room and watched as Liam pushed through her racks of clothes. “I just think maybe this was too drastic a change, I’m not ready for this yet” Liam said in a shaky voice. “But darling you look great, you were so happy earlier what’s happened?” “I just….um… well... a few people weren’t so thrilled with my new look…. And you know maybe they’re right…I’ll just um go change” she stutter out before grabbing a random shirt and some jeans and rushing into the restroom. Caroline sighed running her fingers through her hair before setting off to find one of the boys.

As soon as she opened the door she came face to face with Louis. “What did you boys say to her?” She exclaimed pointing a finger at him.

“Hey! Whoa!  I didn’t say anything! It was Harry, is she okay? She looked pretty devastated when she left?”

“No, she’s not okay she’s in there changing right now and I’m pretty sure Lou is gonna have to redo her make up because she looked ready to cry. So you go find that idiotic child and bring him here ready to beg for forgiveness.” She said fiercely before shoving him out of the room and went to try and coax Liam out of hiding.


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as Liam left the room Louis was shouting at Harry “Why the hell did you say that? She looked fantastic you arsehole!” “Liam’s always been a little self-conscious, and Harry you know that, how could you use something like that against her?” Zayn added.  “Did you see the look on her face? God it was horrible, I hate seeing her like that” Niall threw in. “I’m gonna go look for Liam, you deal with him.” Louis said before leaving.

“Harry stop looking at your damn phone and tell us what’s up!” Zayn shouted; Harry jumped. Zayn never shouted.

Harry sighed. “Look, I just think that Liam’s been changing a lot lately and maybe it’s not for the better. She never hangs out with us anymore and suddenly she shows up here dressed like that? Obviously she’s hiding a new guy from us and I don’t like it! We don’t keep secrets!”

“Right,” Niall scoffed “You seriously think that one of us could possibly be able to hide a new love interest from management and the papers? As well as the rest of the band?  Besides what does it matter how she’s dressed as long as she’s comfortable and happy? Huh?”

Before Harry could respond, Zayn cut in “Liam’s been having a real hard time after her last break-up and you know that. What you don’t know is that she and Perrie have been hanging out a lot more recently, Perrie’s been hinting that Liam may not be thrilled with how we see her. She showed up today all confident and gorgeous and you just ripped her to shreds.”

“I think, Harry, that you should consider why Liam possibly having a new guy has you so upset. Then, once you figure it out hope it isn’t too late to fix things with her. C’mon Zayn, let’s go find Louis”. The two boys left Harry to wallow in his anger and confusion.

“What the fuck did Niall mean by that?” He muttered pacing up and down the room. He just doesn’t like Liam keeping secrets from _them_ , keeping part of her life from _him_.

Fuck.

And he just… _fuck._

* * *

 

Louis headed back down the hallway to help Zayn and Niall talk to Harry, only to run right into them as he turned a corner.

“Hey did you find Liam?” Zayn asked. “Yeah, she’s with Caroline. Apparently, she ran into the dressing room about ready to cry and grabbed some different clothes to change into. Caroline’s gonna try and talk to her and calm her down. How’d things go with Harry?”

“Arse thinks that Liam is hiding a secret boyfriend from us and that’s why she’s blowing us off all the time and dressing different. Zayn has been hiding inside information from us though, haven’t you, Zayn?” Niall said turning to look at him.

“What? What information?” Louis asked.

Zayn sighed, “Perrie and Liam have been hanging out a lot recently and she has implied that maybe Liam isn’t happy being just ‘one of the guys’and thinks that’s part of the reason  Dan broke up with her; I think that may have something to do with the new look she debuted today. We left Harry with that and told him to think about why he’s really upset Liam may be hiding things from us.”

“Christ, what a mess. Was Perrie coming to the show tonight? Can you call and see if she’ll come early? We need to calm Liam down before Harry tries to speak to her again.” Louis replied. 

“I’ll call her now” He said walking away.  “I’m gonna go check on Caroline and Liam” Niall added before making his way down the hallway.

Which leaves Louis with Harry.

Great.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Liam slammed the bathroom door shut behind her, sliding down to the floor with her head in her hands. How could she be so stupid, why did she ever think she could pull something like that off? The rest of the guys had liked it, she reasoned with herself, but Harry never lies…….and if _she’s_ being honest she always valued his opinion the most.

God, why couldn’t she just put him behind her? Ever since the X Factor she’s been trying to get over him….after Dan… she thought she had. But, everything he says still just means so much to her.

“Liam, darling? Please come out, let’s talk about this.” Caroline called through the door. “Louis told me what happened, Love you look gorgeous. Really you do, you always do.”

“Why can’t I just be good enough? I wasn’t good enough for Dan, and now that I’m trying something new I’m not good enough for the boys. It shouldn’t be this hard…” She whispered.

She wallowed in silence for a few minutes before she heard someone join Caroline outside the bathroom door. “Liam?” It was Niall. “Can you please let me in? It’ll be just you and me? We’ll talk things through okay, Harry was just being a grumpy arse” Liam choked out a laugh before reaching up to open the door and let him in.

He quickly joined her on the floor, pulling her into his side and leaning his head on hers. “Tell big brother Niall what’s going on in that head of yours, alright?”

She shoved him lightly, “You’re younger than me you dork” then she sighed “I just… I was tired of being one of the boys and I thought maybe that was why Dan broke up with me. You know? I was too mannish, he just didn’t see me as his girlfriend.” “Oh Li” “So I thought maybe, maybe I could try hanging out with my girlfriends more, which I realized was just Perrie, and dress a little better and then everyone would stop treating me like a bro”

“Li, you don’t need to change who you are to be accepted by anyone, especially not some ex-boyfriend”

“But I wasn’t really changing; all the clothes I picked out were ones that I’d admired before I just wasn’t confident enough to wear them. Perrie and I have been working on my confidence when we hangout but, Harry was right it was stupid.” She turned her face into Niall’s shoulder trying to hide her sniffles.

“Li, you always put so much emphasis on what Harry says” “Niall….” “You wanna tell me why?” He asked looking down at her. “You know why” she mumbled. “Well maybe it’s time the two of you addressed this”

“What do you mean the _two_ of us? He doesn’t know and he doesn’t need to, besides I think it’s very clear that he does not feel the same way thank you very much” Liam replied angrily.

Niall put his hands up “Hey, don’t assume things. Whatever you tell him, you two need to work this out before the show tonight and we can only put off rehearsal for about another hour before Paul has a heart attack. So let’s get you cleaned up, and ready to go? Yeah? Then we’ll worry about Harry” He said standing and offering her a hand, which she took hesitantly. “Okay”

* * *

 

“Where is he Zayn? I’ll kill him.” Perrie shouted trying to look around him. “Do you know how hard it was to make Liam finally feel good about herself after Dan? Where is he?”

“Perrie” Zayn said calmly putting his arms around her “Louis is with him; right now, I think Liam may need you a little more. Hopefully, Niall’s calmed her down a little now and you can help build her back up a little, yeah?”

“Fine” she said, pacified, “but only cause she needs me. Otherwise he’d be in big trouble” “Of course he would love” Zayn smiled, guiding her down the hallway towards Liam.

Zayn knocked quietly on the door before going in, Perrie right behind him. “Where’s Niall?” he asked when he noticed Caroline was the only one in the room.  “He’s in the restroom with-” she started just as the door opened and Niall and Liam came out. Perrie flew at Liam bundling her into her arms and talking to her a mile a minute. Caroline smiled at them before shepherding the boys out, “I think we’ve got this, you go make sure Louis has Harry ready to grovel at her feet.” And then they were standing in the hallway by themselves. “What just-” “C’mon Niall let’s go find those doofus’ and hope they haven’t blown anything up”.


	4. Chapter 4

“HAROLD STYLES” Louis shouted as he reentered the room, only to find a very dejected and upset looking Harry sitting on the floor staring blankly at a wall. “What’re you doing? Why do you look like that? Hello?” Louis said approaching him cautiously.

“I think..”

“Yes?” Louis prompted.

“I love Liam and I…I ruined it. God, I was just so jealous that she was keeping something from _me_ and sharing it with _someone else._ But she looked so amazing and gorgeous and I, ME, I ruined that.” He whispered leaning his head back against the wall.

“Well” Louis said “It’s about time, now let’s go fix this.”

* * *

 

Liam smiled as Perrie chattered at her, “Thanks for coming” “Anything for you babe, now let’s fix up your makeup and get you changed into something not wrinkled and covered in the dust and dirt from that bathroom floor. Harry Styles will regret ever putting you down like that.” Perrie chirped with a smile.

When they were finished, Liam was wearing pink and green shorts and an off the shoulder black t-shirt. It wasn’t as drastic a change as Liam had gone for earlier as she was still a little self-conscious after Harry’s reaction. Just as they were about to finish fixing her makeup, there was a knock at the door and Louis stuck his head in.

“You alright Li? We’ve got someone out here who’d like to talk to you alone for a few minutes, if that’s alright?” Liam shared a look with Perrie before taking a deep breath, “I’ll talk to him” Perrie pat her back on the way out and whispered “Be confident” before looping arms with Caroline and joining the boys in the hallway, glaring at Harry as he walked through the door and gently shut it behind him.

The two stood quietly for a moment before Harry spoke “Liam I, I’m so incredibly sorry for what I said to you. I thought that you were pulling away from us and changing who you were for some guy and-”

“That’s no reason for you to treat me that way Harry” She cut in, remembering Perrie’s words.

“I know, I was just so jealous that you were sharing a part of your life with someone else, and not me that I lashed out at you and it was wrong. I am so embarrassed and I know now that you were just trying to become more confident and that you aren’t seeing anyone and I’m just so sorry. You looked gorgeous earlier and now of course, always you always look beautiful” he finished quietly looking at her.

“I- why would you be jealous of me being with someone else?” She asked.

He took a deep breath, before looking at her “ Because I love you Liam, a lot more than I’m supposed to.”

“You love me?” She whispered, shocked.

“I do, but I understand that you don’t feel the same way. I can hardly expect you to especially after how I’ve treated you today.” He replied.

“But I do.”  “What?” “I do love you, I have for so so long” she whispered looking at him. He stepped towards her cupping her face with her hands. “Say it again”

“I do love you” she replied before he caught her lips in a gentle kiss. They broke apart only for Harry to tell Liam he loved her again before kissing her once more.

After a moment, they broke apart, “I forgive you for what you said but, we need to work on how you deal with your jealousy. My self-esteem couldn’t take it if this happened again.”

“Of course.” He replied, staring into her eyes “I’ll make sure you know how incredibly beautiful you are to me every day for the rest of our lives if I have too.” Then he kissed her once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the ending was so awful, I'm a bit of a romantic and i ran out of ideas towards the end.


End file.
